Well, actually, I'm not, far from it. However, I can't help but think this song was written about loving someone with a personality disorder. How relationships are impacted differently depending on the relationship type and trauma triggers. I never truly "heard" the lyrics until today. Was Meredith Brooks singing from a personal perspective?
This blog is intended to highlight some of the complexities around personality disorders. A group of mental health conditions often very misunderstood with very few people having any knowledge of them at all.
Take a listen 🎶 I've included the lyrics to really enhance the listening experience. Then come back to read on, you could be this person or living with someone who this very much sounds like but have struggled to get an accurate diagnosis.
By the way, personality disorders treated incorrectly with depression medication can make a personality disorder drastically worse.
🧡I hate the world today🧡
You're so good to me, I know, but I can't change
Tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
💛Yesterday I cried💛
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your Hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
🧡So take me as I am🧡
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing
💛Just when you think you got me figured out💛
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
People with personality disorders often have abandonment trauma and experience periods in their life where by their emotional needs have not been met. They love intensely, fiercely and often get their love, kindness and "all in" nature taken for granted and abused, which becomes problematic when rejection or fear of abandonment occurs and those that pose the greatest pain to lose are then ones usually pushed away the most. A safe guarding mechanism to protect the person with the personality disorder from inevitable pain when they perceive that the person they love most will eventually abandon them too which is mostly misinterpreted as cold, aggressive, possessive, intense, uncooperative, giving a rollercoaster between love and hate, living in a dream or hell with this person from one moment to the next, depending on what way the winds blowing. Never knowing what you are waking up next to or coming home to. When you see a glimmer of vulnerability, thinking this is it, I have finally cracked them and softened this cold hard exterior, only to see the ice castle rebuilt come midday.
It's not you, it's not really them, it's not within their control, they don't want you to hurt but to them how they feel in each of those moments is very very real. They don't really want to push you away. Grab a life jacket and hold on tight. It's a rough ride at times but the love they hold for you is worth it even if they don't show it in traditional ways. 🫶
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